How bipolar stole half my life


StolenWritten by Alan

Hello from the land of pasties, tin and sardines

I am a 40 year old male who lives in Cornwall, which is situated in the south west part of Great Britain. I was diagnosed as having ultra rapid cycling bipolar (also known as ultradian bipolar) just two years ago after suffering with the disease (I dislike the term disorder) since my teenage years.

Foster care

My teenage years were especially difficult as I really wanted to speak out about a lot of things but felt I couldn’t. At age 5 I was placed into foster care by my dad. I have never forgotten that day; up until then my dad was my superhero often saving me from my abusive wicked stepmother. Nonetheless off he went without his firstborn leaving me behind screaming. I was told constantly for months by my foster parents and my mum and my dad that I would return to the safety of my heroic father once he sorted his life out and left his despicable wife. I think to make sure I would go back with my Dad, I was as well behaved as a child could possibly be and gave answers that people wanted to hear. Especially answers to questions by my foster parents and social workers.

Adoption

Unfortunately, I never did return to live with my dad. Not because he stayed with my wicked stepmother whom he fathered three children with, as he left her and married another lady and had a further two children. But because (I believe) I reminded him of the failure of his first marriage to my mother. Aged 11 I was still staying with the same foster parents when they decided to adopt me (actually custodianship, but that’s another story). At the same time my mum, who was living close by, told me she planned to move to the USA but she only needed my say so and she wouldn’t make the move. I now realise that’s quite a lot to put on a child and when she moved to the USA this affected me badly on a mental level and in the ensuing teenage years. Even though we never had the usual mother child bond.

Teenage years

It was in the teenage years that I experienced many highs and lows and although reasonably intelligent, I wasn’t achieving as well at school as I should have. I was well renowned to have severe mood swings, but made some friends as they quite liked my manic carefree periods. I would occasionally bunk off lessons, although the lessons I did go to I achieved good grades.

The alcohol years

After I left school, I dealt with the highs and lows of this debilitating disease for so many years by self medicating. I have since learned many mental health sufferers who don’t seek intervention also go down this destructive route. My choice of medication was alcohol.

Alcohol was my way of trying to lift my mood when I was feeling low and trying to stabilise or calm myself when feeling high. This does not work as I now know. The low feelings I had was depression and alcohol just made things worse long term as most of us now know that alcohol is a depressant. When I drank alcohol to calm the mania it did occasionally work, but when it didn’t have the calming effect, the mania worsened and encouraged me to do some really silly and downright dangerous things.

Job and driving license gone

I lost my driving license for two years which made getting around in a small rural community terribly difficult. I also lost my job as a Facilities Manager at a busy UK airport, not just because of losing my driving license but also because of my constant mood swings and erratic behaviour.

I would often turn up to work smelling of the consumed alcohol from the night before. I was never diagnosed as an alcoholic but I definitely abused alcohol, especially for the two years I worked at the airport. It was a very stressful and involved job, definitely not something an unmedicated rapid cycler should be challenging themselves with.

Throughout this time I was very alone as I was working away from my home county of Cornwall. Although I frequented the nearby local pubs and clubs, I made acquaintances and not friends. My erratic behaviour had estranged me from their friendship.

Finally I realised I couldn’t do this anymore and left, or rather was told to hand in my notice at the airport. I then moved back to the safety of my beloved Cornwall. Some of my friends in Cornwall were shocked at my appearance as I had lost a lot of weight even though I was never a large person to begin with. They also started drifting away from me due to my now heightened erraticism.

The diagnosis

It was a few years still until I finally sought help for my moods from my local doctor. He almost immediately diagnosed me as having some kind of bipolar disease, especially as my mother had bipolar, and her mother was thought to have manic depression which caused her suicide.

Care plan and what I would do differently

Thankfully now I have a reasonable care plan in place and although there are a few issues with my local community mental health team, I feel I’m moving slowly but surely forward at last.

The best advice I could give my former self would be to insist on seeing a doctor or therapist to talk about what was going on in my head, especially as a teenager. I believe this would have helped immensely and maybe I wouldn’t have lost those years like so many other mental health sufferers.

Although I’m still a long way off from being stabilised I live a reasonably happy and fulfilling life.

 

Image credit: Luca Rossato

 

AlanAlan lives with his supportive and long-time suffering fiancée. They have 4 cats and 2 lively dogs to keep them entertained, and photography keeps Alan’s creative juices flowing whilst running a blog at http://latestbipolarnews.info which satiates his inner geek and information gatherer.


Like this story? Subscribe to receive each story via email


Post navigation


Comments

  • Bob Brotchie

    Hi Alan, lovely to read an account from this side of the Atlantic as a change!
    So pleased to read your story and how you are finding some stability and love at last. I think your account can give rise to much inspiration, and like you, I truly hope your advice is taken by those who live anything but an optimal life.
    Very best wishes for your continued wellbeing, and thanks for sharing.

    • Alan

      Hi Bob, thank you for such lovely feedback ☺I very much look forward to being involved in this friendly community. It was that which made me want to tell my story here rather than elsewhere.

      Best wishes to you too!

  • AllanB

    Hello Alan
    Ididnt get diagnosed with BP till age
    Found one of the most” valuable this was to develop more self awareness…eg it talking fast feeling restless and racing thoughts in my mind knew at was on a BP high>>>
    If I was very ” withdrawn and feeling like ” had been dragging myself up to my chin in a Swamp … Obviously on BP low..
    According to a test on the ” web” it seems I’m BP2
    Anyway now that more “self aware” of my ” state” ( high normal or grounded]…
    Can make small incremental adjusts in my Tegratol ( for my highs ) or Anti depressants ( Efexor) ( for the lows …” If felt very grounded then did not change my medication….
    So times may get too talk rapidly or to much ( feel like running on jet fuel ) then would have more Tegrotol ( total the. Being “a double up ” on Tegrotol dose. Then would also ” step down ” anti depressant dose…(a because then not needed and allows body an opportunity to “reduce the medication for awhile…hope this makes sense ?! But you must be ” self aware so you can self monitor your symptoms …Hope this helps Allan
    Conversely if feel really low would bring Tegrotol dose down.

    • Alan

      Hi Allan

      And I though my diagnosis was late

  • AllanB

    Should have said age 53 …. Please note if BP you are most likely ” highly creative” I’m good at writing ,photography, going to learn to play guitar ( have written 10 songs some are rather funny…
    Other BP Poole Winston Churchill, Motzart, Jimmy Hendix may actors & poets are BP too … Creativity is biggest plus with condition …Cheers…

  • Troy Williams

    Very moving story. Have you ever been diagnosed with PTSD? Sounds. Like a very traumatic childhood. I myself have both BPD and PTSD from early childhood abuse. Hope you’re doing well and thanks for telling your story.

  • Charise

    Thank you Alan for your history. I kept reading right to the end because I could relate. Mental health problems run on the whole side of my father’s family

  • Ellis

    Hello Alan, Thank you for writing your story, interesting. I could relate to much of it, my mother was an undiagnosed BP, (I think), with manic depression. She was extremely creative, a painter through which she managed her episodes, (for want of a better word). I have also found creativity to be a source of healing not only through my childhood but right through adulthood as well, Its a safe tool with which to work through issues, thoughts and to rebalance. Depression runs through our family. We know our Grandfather had it, my mother and her sister, me, my cousins and their children and in turn their children. Am sure the distance between depression and BP is very short, one major trauma or stressful situation and switch is flicked.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.