Rebelling against my rebellious nature

29 Jul 2012 2 Comments
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by David Templinin anxiety & fear, lifestyle, working

superheroes

I like to think of myself as a rebel.

The image of a rebel is a very positive one for me. It represents courage, spontaneity, idealism, creativity and freedom. Those are all qualities I would like to incorporate into my life. Yet, as I mature in my middle age, I realize all good things are better in moderation.

I know, that doesn’t sound very rebellious! Let me try to explain where I am coming from.

For several years I was suffering from work related anxiety. I was finding my job boring and stressful at the same time. All things work related were becoming a source of anxiety for me.

Here is a list of some of the work related things that caused me anxiety:

Deadlines. I often felt deadlines were arbitrarily set before assessing how much work was involved. Deadlines started to represent failure. This was a constant source of anxiety for me.
Blackberry devices. Poor RIM, they have enough troubles without me piling more on. For me however, the Blackberry represented a very unwelcome intrusion on my personal life. 24 hour accessibility was an implied expectation of the job.
Schedules of all kinds. I found that my schedule was continuously being filled with status meetings to discuss why we were not on schedule. My suggestion of “maybe there are too many meetings” was always dismissed as an inappropriate answer.
Administrative routine. I found myself overwhelmed with the amount of administrative reporting I was required to complete. It was dull, repetitive and it kept me from the more satisfying aspects of my job.

So, about 2 years ago I took the courageous step of taking early retirement.

It is a decision I do not regret.

I have been living a life where there are no deadlines. My Blackberry device is turned off most of the time. I have been able to live without a daily schedule. I have pretty much avoided anything that seems like routine to me.

It sounds like heaven doesn’t it? Well, almost. There are one or two things I miss.

As much as my job became an almost continuous source of anxiety for me, on occasion it did provide me with a sense of accomplishment.

I knew early on in my retirement I would need to find things to do to give me a sense of accomplishment. I have taken up a few projects with friends that have helped fill that gap without most of the frustrations and anxiety that was inherent in my job. So far, that has worked well for me.

What is new, which I find a bit surprising, I am longing for some structure.

Right now, I get up when I want, go to bed when I want and if I don’t feel like doing anything, I don’t.

I am starting to find that isn’t as rewarding as it used to be.

Out of habit, I still have my alarm go off at 7:30 in the morning. Every morning I turn off the alarm and go back to sleep. It used to be a great indulgence to the rebel within me to realize, “Ha! I don’t have to get up this early, I’m going to roll over and go back to sleep.”

It has lost some of its oomph.
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Anxiety can be a source of energy

04 Dec 2011 2 Comments
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by David Templinin anxiety & fear, working

superheroes

“Are you nervous?” he asked me.

“Yes, very!”

“That’s good! That’s a very good sign” he replied.

To me, at the time it didn’t feel that good. In fifteen minutes the curtain was rising. I was about to step on stage for the first time as an actor in a play and I was more scared than I had ever been in my life.

“Think of that anxiety as energy. You simply have to channel into your performance. It will charge your performance and make it more real! It is why we do this.”

My friend had been in three high school plays and to me he was a veteran and a mentor. His words encouraged me to step out onto to that stage and enjoy it. He was right, the anxiety I felt in anticipation of stepping out on stage turned into something more akin to energy. Once the lights hit my face and I could sense the presence of the crowd behind those lights I felt very alive. It was a revelation. It was only a high school play, but it was life changing for me.
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What quitting my job revealed

24 Jul 2011 4 Comments
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by David Templinin anxiety & fear, working

superheroes

My job was hurting me. No, I wasn’t a professional wrestler or an asbestos miner, but nonetheless, I was being hurt. For the longest time I didn’t pay attention.

I worked with people I liked, in a field that I enjoyed. Yet it was hurting me.

Part of my problem is that I am a perfectionist. I get down on myself when I do not perform up to the highest standards. As I progressed through my career, I took on more challenges and responsibilities and I was able to build up my confidence after each new role. During that time I found my co-workers and superiors and employees very supportive.

Eventually I was in a situation where I was put in charge of 10 programmers. I found that I was no longer the expert in anything we did. I worked for a client that was far more expert in his field than me or my team. Although we were providing very competent help in a professional manner, nothing was good enough for him. He was not only unappreciative of our work, he was verbally abusive. He was a bully, pure and simple.

My standard response to verbal bullying is with humour. A little mixture of sarcasm and self depreciating humour usually helps diffuse a situation and can interject some humanity into the situation. Unfortunately some people do not have much a sense of humour, and this client is one of those people.
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Wanna trade jobs?

10 Apr 2011 2 Comments
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by Trishin working

I guess before you can answer that question, you probably want to know where I work, what do I do all day, how much I make, and how’s the cafeteria food.
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