If you’re psychotic, raise your hand!

PsychoticWritten by Trish

The first time someone I trusted told me that he thought I was psychotic and that I needed medication, I thought I was going to throw up.  When I filled out my prescription for the antipsychotic, I started to cry.  I do not know if they were tears of relief, shame or both.

Nine years to the day of starting my journey into the supernatural, I was evaluated as needing an antipsychotic.  I had spent the last nine years getting heavier and heavier into the occult.  My interests ranged from everything to witchcraft to psionics to healing at a distance to psychic ability.

I was in over my head when I was told by an acclaimed psychic that I had the ability to heal with my hands.  I believed it because at this point I was able to ask myself questions and get what I thought were accurate answers through visions and words that sounded in my head.  It got to the point where every decision I had to make, I checked with my psyche first.  I started working with other people and attempting to heal them.  It even seemed to work a couple of times.

One night I was doing a healing session and came across a vortex in my mind.  I imagined myself stepping into that vortex and I began to spin round and round as events flashed before my eyes.  The next morning I woke up with vertigo and for two weeks dealt with the room spinning until my energy healer cleared it.  I was so frightened by this experience and the sense of losing control, that I had a nervous breakdown.  Suddenly everything became about survival.

I was extremely paranoid.  I saw signs in everything–signs from God.  I would make up links to events and daily circumstances and call it synchronicity.  I would make decisions based on it.  I thought I wasn’t getting my period because God did not want me to have a baby with my husband.  I was getting visions of my future and living my life accordingly.

I was so open to everything.  Everything that came into my senses was processed as either threatening or a sign on which direction I should go next.  I felt like I was getting information from every source.  I swear my IQ increased a few points and my photographic memory improved.

I tried incessantly to heal myself and failed.  My physical and mental symptoms were getting worse and worse.  My energy healer worked on my issues constantly.

It ended with me writing daily, sometimes for hours and hours throughout the night, formulas in a journal to save the world.  The formulas were based on spiritual consciousness, the Universal Laws, and the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies.  I had gone from basing my life using practical and logical decisions to delusional.

It felt so right at the time, even if there was always this constant lurking black mass that felt like it was going to swallow me whole at any time.  I was terrified of it because I felt it meant insanity and death by abandonment of everything I loved.

When I realized I was psychotic, I got so good at checking and re checking how I presented myself in front of others that I appeared practical and creditable, even if my interests were judged as eccentric.  I felt like I was two people, split by this imaginary line of insanity and sanity.  I felt consumed by it, that it was going to kill my soul and I would be left an empty shell to wither and die a soulless death.  I thought of my death constantly.

I tried so hard to impress my psychiatrist with my rationale, that it took her 6 months to evaluate my need for an antipsychotic.  By this point I was terrified of my mind and the battering sense that my existence would be wiped out.  I had completely rid myself of anything occult in nature (sold or gave away all of my books and divination tools) and stopped asking for visions in the hope that it would all go away.  I had lost all my confidence to make decisions for myself and relied on others constantly to tell me what was best.  But that feeling of toeing the line of insanity stayed with me until I got on the medication–until I could let go enough to prove to myself that I was not going to go insane.

It’s been two years on the medication.  I ask for visions sparingly now and don’t take them too literally.  I can draw and write without this feeling of being consumed by the creative energy that flows through me.  I can journal to express my feelings and not feel afraid of the written word (I used to get anxiety attacks by looking up words in the dictionary!)  I don’t fear my thoughts anymore.  And if I am a healer, I now heal through my hands by creating art for others.

I am very grateful to my Cranial Sacral Therapist for empowering me with the realization that the only way to manage psychosis is through medication.  Alternative medicine and therapy did not work for me–I tried for a year and half to avoid doctors and meds.  And although the medication hasn’t been easy on my body (save that for another blog), I am grateful for it and wouldn’t change a thing.

Yeah okay, maybe I have broken the rule–my rule–that your blog entry should be short.  I always had a hard time conforming, even to my own rules.

I would really like to hear what your experience has been with psychosis.  Please comment.


Trish HurtubiseHi. I’m Trish Hurtubise…the founder, curator and an editor for Mental Health Talk. I love serving those who are relegated to the shadows by society by giving them a platform to share their voice and be seen and heard… hence my passion for working with all the wonderful people who have shared their stories and wisdom on MHT.

You may view all posts by me here.

Much love to you.

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  • Ane Axford

    Thank you. This is beautiful and inspiring and bold.

    This is powerful.

  • Natasha

    Hi Tricia, If you ever start feeling like that again, make sure to turn to God and Christ Jesus and know that he is your lover and savior and that he will protect you from all things harmful. Always the bible and know the truth.
    I went through something similar as well, however I did not get diagnosed with psychosis; I go to church, I am a Christian & I know the truth about what was trying to harm me. Once I turned to god and learned how to confront my fears (Ex: if I was scared to go to the basement, or scared that seeing a certain number or whatever had meaning to it, I would do what I had to do anyways knowing that Satan has no power over me, that God is much more powerful than Satan could ever be and that God loves me and wants to protect me and has an amazing plan for me, if only I would stop allowing Satan to deter me), I realized there was nothing to be afraid of. My fears have become smaller and smaller as I work to confront them. If I were you, I would consider picking up the book The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer, it talks about confronting fears from a Christian perspective.
    You’re not psychotic, there is a battle for your Soul and I hope that God wins it.
    Good luck!!

  • Natasha

    Also I just wanted to point out that the occult is bad. Using things like the ouija board is bad. Anyway of obtaining for yourself magical ability will usually be granted to you by the Devil.
    So I would be extremely careful with that.

    The Holy Spirit is the one who gifts people naturally and fills you and you can find out everything you need to know about that in the bible and in the heart and loving sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

    If you look up on google the effects of being in a occult and why it’s bad for you, you’ll begin to see that you aren’t psychotic
    And I’m sorry you had to go through all that <3
    Maybe try finding yourself a loving church family, one based on faith and love and spirit <3 I promise you if you talked to a Christian pastor they would definitely tell you you weren't crazy at all.

  • Natasha

    Umm & when I say look up why the occult is bad try to do it with answers based from the bible or christianity, I mean if you want to try to understand what I’m telling you

  • Donna Peek

    Just found your website and read your blog. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Reading about them has been very therapeutic for me. I have Bipolar disorder and get psychosis when depressed. Nobody understands (except close family and other people who experience it) how frightening and isolating an experience it is. I also felt that my soul was damned, and that everyone around me would be contaminated by my guilt and badness. I was getting ideas of reference from the TV confirming how bad I was, and how I was going to be arrested and put in prison. I heard loud angry voices shouting (often in night waking me) and felt things on my skin. These experiences seem strange now that I am better, and I often wonder how I ever believed these things were real, and then remember how out of kilter my mind was at the time. Having a loving Husband and family like you also was my lifesaver, they stayed with me a for the time it took to get back my life again (3years) . So thank you once again for having the courage to speak about psychosis. I no longer feel so isolated and different.

    • Trish

      Thank you so much for sharing your story Donna and for your kind words. It means a lot to me that you would take the time to comment.

      Cheers to your health and well-being.

      Much love,

  • Steve

    Thank you for your article. I have had psychotic beliefs after the onset of bipolar disorder. I have seen signs from God, especially when getting phone calls from telemarketers and unknown numbers. In those instances I realized I was blaming God for sending confusing signs, actually distancing myself from Him. Now I will look at them as just phone calls and strengthen my faith and level of calm. I appreciate you putting your experiences out there. Be well!

    • Trish

      Thank you, Steve, and I much appreciate you sharing a bit of your story as well.

      Much love,

  • Clair

    Hi thanks for your message. I live a life where people don’t understand. I see God speaking through everything all the time. He leads me to do prophetic acts and often leads me to wake in the night to pray and intercede. He sometimes asks me to fast. During these seasons which I see as seasons of acceleration I hear God nearly all the time. Other people looking in from the outside don’t understand it. They want me to have an understanding that I have psychosis or Bipolar disorder. I don’t believe it. They want me to be on medication. I don’t believe it. They want me to be hospitalised. I don’t believe it.

    Today God led me to pray for the hospital. He asked me to pray for the people in the mental health unit. I went there but didn’t feel to pray. I marched around it and talked to a man who was a patient here.

    Thanks for sharing your story. It’s given me some clarity.

    • Trish

      Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself, Clair. I’m really glad you commented. Much love to you, Trish

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