Written by Trish
I fear my sadness. I fear my grief. I fear feeling blue. I fear feeling hopeless and lonely. All of these feelings trigger memories of my deepest clinical depressions. I fear their eternal nature, as if they are going to suck me back into the endless loop of days of despair, of nothingness, of that emptiness that engulfs you when you are deep in depression.
I am now in remission from my depression. It has taken a couple of years to get here and I fear regressing.
People tell me that I’m just having a bad day. Forgive me but I want to slap those people. They do not understand how life-altering bad days can be.
So I maximize my feelings that I associate with depression and I allow others to minimize them. Where’s the middle ground?
Upon some thought, I don’t think there is a middle ground. Everyone is triggered by things that bring back memories and for me, the depressive emotions are triggers. Over time I expect this will fade some, but I will always look at them as some form of warning sign of darker days to come.
I remind you that I am in remission and the following tactics help me to recongize that it is okay to feel sad, lonely, etc. In my clinical depressions I could not have used these tactics for the emotions felt stronger than I did. I needed medication to even begin to fathom the idea that I could be okay with my feelings and that they were not going to swallow me whole.
I remind myself that I have come through much worse and learned to love life again. I am a survivor. I remind myself that like everything, this too shall pass and to have patience because it may not be within the next hour! Then as much as I can, I focus on the things I love and I do stuff. Action, no matter how small you might think it is, speaks volumes of honouring yourself. Music is also a healer for me and I listen to music that reminds me I am strong and/or resonate with how I am feeling. Lately, I have been listening to P!nk’s F**kin Perfect.
Now I would love to hear from you on your triggers… what triggers your memories of your mental illness?
Cartoon credit: Trish Hurtubise
Hi. I’m Trish Hurtubise…the founder, curator and an editor for Mental Health Talk. I love serving those who are relegated to the shadows by society by giving them a platform to share their voice and be seen and heard… hence my passion for working with all the wonderful people who have shared their stories and wisdom on MHT.
You may view all posts by me here.
Much love to you.