Written by Beth Burgmeyer
May is mental health awareness month. It would make sense that as a former licensed mental health therapist I might write something for mental health awareness month. That’s not why I’m writing this. In fact, I never dreamed I’d be writing this.
I never dreamed that when I looked in my nine-year-old daughter’s school notebook, I’d find this written among her school notes and assignments: Sometimes I wish I was dead. My beautiful, bright, sensitive, compassionate daughter wishing she was dead. Nine years old.
She was raised in love. We were a family who read to our kids every night, had snuggle time and sang lullabies. We made time to play together, to eat together, to take walks in the woods, bike rides on nature trails. Our daughter laughed and loved and played and could light up a room.
I never dreamed that my ten-year-old daughter would quit eating after a girl in her dance class made a comment about her body being thick. Weight fell off of my daughter’s tall frame, exposing ribs and hipbones. A ten-year-old starving herself.
We researched, found the best eating disorders therapist in central Iowa. We made a two-hour round trip every week to take our daughter to therapy where she talked about feeling fat and wanting to die. We utilized every resource possible: a therapist, a dietician, a pediatrician. She improved. For a little while. But depression was a demon that wouldn’t let her go.
I never dreamed that my twelve-year-old daughter would come to me before dance class, telling me she’d just taken some pills, showing me how much she wanted to die.
How could she want to die? She had so much to live for. She excelled in school, was passionate about dance and music and art. She loved her animals. Most of all, she loved her family. We loved her right back, all of us wrapping our arms around her, trying to create a barrier that depression couldn’t break through. But it wove itself through the tiny spaces between our arms and fingers, it’s sinewy tendrils, encasing her in darkness.
I never dreamed I’d be sitting across a table from my twelve-year-old daughter during hospital visiting hours. The cold, white walls of the visiting room, a stark contrast to the darkness that lived in my daughter. The sterile walls surrounded us, trapping her. Tears streamed down her cheeks as her trembling voice begged me to take her home. My own tears fell at the thought of her alone in a dark room, no warm arms to tuck her in, no loving voice to sing a song.
It was the first time she swallowed a pill to try to keep the depression demon at bay.
When she came home, we tried to help her thrive. We found a therapist specializing in depression, tried to find the best person to prescribe the medications that scared us to death—the medications that all came with warnings that were as scary as depression. We rallied support from every direction: dance teachers, school administrators and teachers, doctors, therapists, family.
By ninth grade, public school was a nightmare for my daughter. Depression and anxiety attacked her in every hallway, every classroom. The cafeteria had become unbearable. We looked at every option available and found a wonderful boarding school, a place where our daughter finally felt she belonged, a place where she felt accepted. She finally had hope. We had hope.
I never dreamed that I’d get a call from the boarding school late one night, saying my fifteen-year-old daughter had overdosed on all of her medications. No one saw it coming. An ambulance was on its way to the rural boarding school thirty minutes from any hospital.
I never dreamed that my husband and I would make a two hour drive in the dark, praying our daughter would somehow survive swallowing almost 200 pills. I never dreamed I’d see her hooked up to monitors, her heart rate erratic, her breathing depressed, her whole body tremoring, her legs unable to hold her.
I slept in her hospital room, never left her side, helped her stand on wobbly shaky legs for the first time. Watched as EKG after EKG came back abnormal. And as always, she was surrounded by love. Family came from everywhere to see her, to envelop her in the kind of love she’d been raised in. For a short time it helped, She absorbed that love, believed that she mattered…just a little bit.
She had a wonderful psychiatrist and treatment team. By the time she walked out of the hospital, we all had hope. My daughter was excited to go back to school, back to her friends. We were thrilled to see the life in her again.
I never dreamed it would all fall apart so quickly again. Not even a week into school after winter break, she broke again. Hopeless, desperate, wanting to die. Begging to die. Another trip to the hospital. This time it made her hopeless, made her wonder if that’s all her life would be. My beautiful, sweet, loving daughter with so many gifts and talents had given up.
We decided she needed a break from the stress of life and school and took her to the ocean – her favorite place in the world. We walked on the beach, collected shells, watched the dolphins and just breathed. Some of the darkness lifted. Some, but not all. Not nearly enough.
I never dreamed that every moment of these past few months would be spent trying to keep my daughter alive. Every single second of every day, we have to fight to keep her alive—our daughter who desperately wants to die, even begs to die.
We tapped every resource, tried new modes of therapy. We took her for massage therapy, equine therapy, music lessons, art classes. Maybe doing the things she loved would keep her alive. But it wasn’t enough. We desperately sought anything she could cling to, anything that might make her want to live. Maybe we could buy a horse. Maybe we could buy a therapy dog. Maybe we should move near the ocean. Maybe the right school. Maybe…
I never dreamed I’d be sitting here right now, writing this in my room at the Ronald McDonald House while my fifteen-year-old daughter is in her fifth hospital stay in six months. My heart is shredded when she still begs us to let her die.
Our beautiful, sweet girl whose laughter is contagious wants to die. Our daughter who was raised with two parents who loved her beyond measure, who faced each crisis together with love. Our daughter has a family overflowing with love—a brother who’s kind and caring, an extended family who rallies around her. But even surrounded by boundless love, she wants to die.
I’ve learned that mental illness has no rules, no parameters. It doesn’t care about class, race, gender, socio-economic status. It doesn’t care if you have a loving family. It doesn’t care where or how you were raised. It can happen to ANYONE.
I just never dreamed it would happen to us.
Image credit: henskechristine
Beth Burgmeyer is a former mental health therapist who is now a writer and editor. Her experience with her daughter has made her want to help erase the stigma attached to mental illness. She lives near Des Moines, Iowa with her family and a menagerie of rescue animals.
To check out all of Beth’s guest posts on MHT, click here.
Robert
I go through this daily,the only reason im still here is my older brother killed himself in 2001 and i felt the pain it put every one in and i dont want my wife and daughter to ever feel that pain so i push myself through every day even though every morning when i wake up i get mad that i maid it another day life is very painful to me ! But i cant put them through what we all felt when he passed
Beth Burgmeyer
Robert,
I’m so sorry that you’re living through this pain every day and that you’ve had to experience the loss of your brother to suicide. Thanks for being brave enough to share what you’re going through. I don’t think a lot of people know how much strength it can sometimes take just to make it through a day. I hope you have a good therapist and psychiatrist who are helping you through some of this. Please, please reach out for help when you need it. You’ll be in my thoughts.
Jenette Jebe
Today my brother would have been 51. He took his own life 12/8/13. Thank you for writing for our cause. I truly believe depression is in generics and I pray one day soon there is a help for all of us!
Beth Burgmeyer
Jenette.
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. How heartbreaking. I agree that there is a genetic component with depression and other mental illnesses. There’s a strong family history in my family of depression and anxiety. For some reason. my daughter seemed to inherit these genes while my son (4 years older) has never shown signs of mental illness.
Hopefully if we all keep raising our voices, there will be some breakthroughs in treatment for mental health.
M. Swainey
4 years ago my daughter was diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features. Most terrifying year of my life. She’s 17 now, things seem to have balanced out, but I fear a growth spurt, a few days of missing takin medications, anything to throw that delicate balance out of whack. And don’t get me started thinking about next year when she goes to college… I pray you and your daughter find a balance too.
Beth Burgmeyer
I’m so glad to hear that things have balanced out for your daughter and I pray she continues to stay balanced through all of the upcoming changes in her life. I haven’t given up hope that we can find the right balance for our daughter too, but like you, I’ll probably always worry, especially when any big life changes happen. Thanks for sharing part of your story with me.
Anon
It’s hard… living always with that tight gut feeling that one time they won’t answer when you knock on the door. They won’t answer a text. Receiving a call that they couldn’t revive them…
Beth Burgmeyer
It sounds like you’ve lived through this too. It’s so hard to deal with that kind of anxiety. As much as I want my daughter to come home from the hospital, it scares me too. I’m so afraid I will get that phone call or I’ll let my guard down on the wrong day. I just wish I could give my daughter the will to live. It can be a lonely thing for a parent to go through. If you haven’t reached out yet, there are some great online support groups. Also most local chapters of NAMI have family support groups too.
Cathy
I’m now sitting in the hospital after my 15yr old daughters 2nd attempt at suicide by overdose. She’s only been back home 10 days from her 1st attempt. We had everything locked up tho keep her safe, monitored her all the time, but I let my guard down and trusted her as she requested. That gave her the opportunity to get more pills. She called me in the middle of the night, scared, said she’d taken pills. She says she’s sorry. She says she doesn’t want to be a burden. She’s a beautiful, smart, loving girl, and never a burden. But she hides things well. I too keep wondering, how can she not want to live. She’s done cutting, purging. I ask, what can I as her mom do to help her find the will to live….
Beth Burgmeyer
Cathy, my heart breaks for you. Your daughter sounds so much like mine. It’s terrifying when they’re so set in dying. My daughter has been in the hospital for 3 weeks now and I’m glad they’re keeping her longer this time. She even made a suicide attempt in the hospital on Friday.
I hope you have found some support for yourself – that’s so important. There are some good online groups for parents. You can also look to see if your local chapter of NAMI has any in person support groups. It can be a lonely journey as a parent.
You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Shannon
I too have a daughter who does not want to live. I received a call from her school yesterday stating she had sent her friend a text tell her she was going to die and no one was going to stop her. She has not made an attempt yet, however, I am afraid she will. She came out to us in May of this year, and recently came out to her friends. She has had a very difficult time understanding herself, never mind how her friends are handling the news. She is was taken to the hospital yesterday and will be in on going therapy. We are very early in this road to know how this will play out, but I wanted to let you and all of the other loving families on here know that I understand the pain you are all going through. The thought of my daughter acting on her feelings is my worst nightmare. I’ve already lost my step-dad to suicide, but to lose my child, my world will be destroyed.
Charnelle
Thank you all for sharing. Makes some of this a tiny bit bearable knowing we’re not alone. My 16yr old daughter has been suffering for almost four years now. We used to go months with out a breakdown the. Weeks then days. Now if we get one of reprieve its a blessing. I feel so terrible that my child is in so much pain every day and I have no answers for her. To hear your child beg you to let them die. As much as I hurt and grow weary..her hurt and anguish is so much worse. I think about hospitalization again but the thought of hersad and alone. Only to be kept alive to live daily w pain almost seems like torture. Some days I wonder if that will truly be the only peace she will ever find….asleep in death.
Lynae Miller
Dearest Charnelle,
It has been a long while since that you shared the pain your daughter is going through and this is the first time I have visited this site and have read your heart wrenching comment . It leaves me with a heavy heart and I wish I could tell you everything will be ok. I am in search of answers to my own daughter’s pain of anxiety and depression. I do hope and pray that by now things are looking Up for you and your daughter? It is so very sad to be a mother and have to see your baby go though tormenting times. I wish I had a magic wand that could turn lives in to pure happiness and cast all issues aside. It seems so unfair that good, innocent children should be racked with such torture. I pray for you, Charnelle and I pray for your beloved daughter. May you both be blessed with peace in your lives. From one mom to another mom , my heart goes out to you.
Lynae Miller
I am so scared. My beautiful, fun loving 12 year old daughter says things that make a mother cringe. I can’t understand why or how we may have gone wrong with her? She has always been raised in a loving, nurturing and close knit family along with loving extended family that have never shown ill will toward either one of our children. She and her older brother, although 3 years apart, were best friends, always together having the times of their lives. He is outgoing and has high self esteem, she is on the shy side but very funny when she lets you in —— her personality just sparkles. She has always been very athletic and popular amongst all the neighborhood children. My husband and I always received comments when they were young of how wonderful they played together and what good dispositions they both had, often telling us how very lucky we were to have two exceptional children. We knew we were blessed. Then as the teen years approached things started changing and that’s of course all normal, right? But now my daughter has so much anxiety she doesn’t even want to leave the house. I have a very difficult time trying to get her to talk to other kids her age….. she won’t open up, she won’t engage in conversation, she won’t look others in the eye and she won’t speak when spoken to. She is embarrassed and worried about anything and everything around her to the point she avoids interaction with anyone. She is depressed, she likes to stay locked in her room, she likes to draw and she is an amazing artist and she spends a lot of free time on the computer. (She does not socialize on the computer she just searches up her favorite subjects.) I try to get her interested in volunteer work with the animals she loves or joining a class of interest, only to hear her turn down every suggestion because of having to be around people. Fear and anxiety fill every breathing moment. I don’t know where to begin, do I get her evaluated for clinical depression or something along those lines? She often sarcastically comments how she would like the world to end or that she wouldn’t mind being blown up by aliens. Sometimes the funny comments from my beautiful daughter are said in jest but then sometimes she sounds down right serious. Suicide has happened in our family, more than once, on my side. My 12 year old daughter was too young to understand and was not close to the dear family member who took her own life. My husband’s side of the family is mostly unknown as he was adopted and his biological mother is unaware of the biological father’s mental health or whearabouts. I never thought I would have to worry about this because my children have been raised by two stable parents who never shuffled them off to a babysitter, we always shared family moments at the dinner table and we didn’t spoil them but neither were we ever harsh on them. We show sincere love and we always made our home a learning house; meaning they were allowed to make mistakes without repercussion or any sort of belittling. We cherish both our children the same and neither was ever treated more special than the other and I always tell them, “How lucky I am to have been blessed to have them”. Why would our daughter who is as beautiful inside, as she is outside, become so worried about what others think about her to the point she won’t even socialize or interact with people? She says people scare her. I have in the past asked her if anyone has ever hurt her and she assured me that no one ever has. Lots of people say it’s just hormones, overreacting or it’s a phase, she will grow out of but I see it as much more than that. I don’t want to put false ideas into her head and I don’t like to alarm her or arm her with suggestions so I don’t bring up suicide but I do want to keep the communication between us upfront and open. She really worries me and I pray to God she never attempts to take her life. I will stick to her like glue to make sure she stays alive. Any suggestions or comments you would be willing to share with me would be so very welcome because the last thing a parent wants is to lose a child in any way, shape or form. I thank you for allowing me to write to you, it is the first time I have reached out to someone other than family. It was very emotional for me to read what you are going through with your daughter and I will keep you both in my prayers. What beautiful hearts you both have.
Severine
Lynae, it’s been a while since u posted this but I only felt on it while researching myself.
Ur daughter sounds exactly the same as mine (16). It felt like u were writing about my daughter it is exactly the same here!!
How is ur daughter now? Mine went off her own back to the school nurse with the results of tests she had done online for autistic spectrum disorder, saying that those results suggested she gets tested. This was in February 18.
She has been assessed for the first part (there are 2 parts of it), and the specialists reckon she has high functioning autism, (that was in February 2019), and have put her forward for the second part of the evaluation to decide at which level she is at on the spectrum and prepare a care plan.
Only the minimum wait for it is 6 months, and they can’t offer her autism targeted therapy because she hasn’t had the full diagnosis yet. So we’re in limbo. Meanwhile, my daughter is deteriorating. She doesn’t even want to start college is September as planned because she can’t face going outside. She is all gloom and doom, uncommunicative, locked in her room when it’s 30 degrees outside, where she self harm, draw, read, writes amazing short stories (but very very dark one), self learn guitar and keyboard with the internet and books, and listens to music or podcasts about sexuality, as she has decided she is gay. Joys of joys.
Have you had a diagnosis for you daughter? So far, mine has severe anxiety and depression (diagnosed by GP) but is not receiving any help because it’s important to get specialist help IF she is autistic but since they don’t know, they won’t even put her on a waiting list for mainstream therapy. A total nightmare.
So how are things with you now?
Séverine