Finding myself… overcoming borderline personality disorder
15 Jul 2012
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Written by: Chantal C.
I have been living with mental illness since I can remember. My earliest recollections are during late childhood years. My clinical depression manifested itself during my adolescence. But now I struggle to understand the depth of my own Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Last year I tried to take my life and was diagnosed with traits of BPD. Even though I suspected this for many years, the diagnosis is my wake-up call. I now ask myself…Who am I really and why did I live a life of abuse and self-inflicted pain? [Tweet this quote!]
Borderline Personality Disorder is devastating. Many mental illnesses can be treated with medication and psychotherapy. BPD is one of the most difficult disorders of the mind to overcome. I have lived a life, often lacking the ability to discern and cope: feeling helplessness and continuous despair.
I can’t say that I did not enjoy inspiration, wonder and love. As an artist, the BPD helped me to be creative. Because I have and still do experience emotions so profoundly, it enables me, in an odd way, to express myself by painting, photographing and writing. Sometimes, the more I hurt inside, the more I feel and the more I create.
The baby in a dysfunctional family
My “day one” starts with my earliest childhood memories as a sensitive little girl in a dysfunctional family. I was often ridiculed, rejected and experienced emotional rage and isolation because of a continued sense of abandonment from my elders. When I was eight, my brothers and sisters were in their teens and twenties. I was the baby in a family with seven brothers, two elder sisters, a verbally abusive and distant father but a gentle loving caring mother.
At fourteen, I became the rebellious teen no one cared to discipline. Even though the discipline should have started during my childhood years I was now “testing the limits”. I wanted to be loved, and so, I searched for it elsewhere. My life became self-indulgent: sexual promiscuity, drugs, impulsive behaviour and depression.
Low self-esteem, risky behaviour and failed relationships
My deep spiralling despair did not end during my teen years. It unfortunately continued to manifests itself in my twenties and thirties. During this time in my life, I struggled with the separation of my marriage and the affects it had on my first born child. As I still sought unhealthy relationships, I became pregnant with my second child. Her father was not present often during her life. I was a single mom, working, raising my daughters and yet still conflicted with emotional regulation, mood instability and continued depression. Even though these years were very difficult, they were also some of my best years. I was able to work in photography, other employments and take on the challenges of motherhood. I was truly blessed with two beautiful daughters. I strongly believe, up to this day, that our love kept us going all these years.
I do believe my trauma from childhood was the cause of continued low self-esteem, risky behaviour and failed relationships. I developed over time ways to cope with the pain of abuse. I blocked one failure after another and repressed as much as I could. As the unbearable shame and brokenness became such a pattern in my life, I eventually realized, this is the way I am and will never change…however…
Fighting the BPD monster
Four years ago I was hospitalized because of a depressive breakdown and review of medication. This past year however was the turning point for me. I lived many life changing experiences all at once. With another phase of inability to cope with life…I tried to commit suicide twice, carved on the side of my wrists and was hospitalized three times.
Change did not happen quickly but gradually. I had no support system in place. I was in shock of what I had done, disgraced with who I realized I had become and what I had repressed all these years. As I fought off, my “bpd monster”, I painted abstractly my feelings: anger, sorrow, love and hate. I was living with mental agony, deep sadness and the fear of panic resurfacing. I still felt alone and misunderstood.
When I experienced my spiralling suicidal attempts they were not just a cry for help. I had a deep longing to die, to end all my inner pain: a deep emptiness. I had no reason to keep going. However, I was blessed with the unsuccessful attempts and a second chance at life.
Finally…the right therapy and a support network
In the past four years, I have seen five counsellors and started a variety of therapies for mood, anxiety, self-esteem, anger management and dialectic behaviour. Having a problem in making commitments, I was successful at completing only one of them.
There is no medication for BPD. This mental disorder comes from a negative belief system that lives in my core, its outcome: lacking the ability to control thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I am presently working on CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) specifically for Borderline Personality Disorder. One thing I have realized is the importance to seriously commit to my new therapy. I am thankful that I now have the support of a clinician and am still seeing my doctor regularly. It is finally the time to seriously work on breaking the bad cycles from the past, trying to forgive myself, and reminding myself everyday, to not give up.
The CBT has helped me. I have since experienced some emotional acceptance, less anxiety and a glimpse of a better sense of self-worth. I have been living, to a certain degree, some freedom.
I am also a member of a local Consumer Survivor Initiative. This support network is welcoming, caring and helps me in my mental wellness. I have made new healthy friendships and am supportive to my peers. I no longer have this need to be in a relationship in order to fill the void that was once in me.
A deep knowing…I can overcome BPD
I can overcome my Borderline Personality Disorder some day.
During my life I was often on and off my Christian path. I am not my old self anymore because I desire a new beginning…hoping and trusting. I am thankful that I had the guidance of a wonderful pastor.
I know I still have a long way to go but I realize that part of the healing process is to give back to those who suffer with similar pain and to share my hope in order to encourage others to find theirs.
I still live with many challenges of BPD and still have to confront often the despair. Even though I have just touched the surface of therapy, I do have a new outlook on life and the long journey ahead of me. Changing the way I have lived my life is not going to be easy, but it’s time, time to find my true self.
The Inner Child of a Borderline
I am seven years old
I stare out my bedroom window
On the eighth floor of this dreadful apartment
The city lights illuminate
I dream and long for a better life
Not one of isolation and aloneness
But one where I can exist
Where I am loved and accepted
I fear the pain of rejection
I cry often and run to my room
This is where I am safe
Here I can feel
Not out there in the throws of an adult world
I can’t show emotions
My father doesn’t say, “I love you”
And others, they ridicule me
Seven years of isolation
Looking out a bedroom window
What is beyond?
A rebellious teen
Promiscuity and drugs
Desperately aching for love
The cycle began
Spiralling in self-hatred
Can’t take this life no longer
I want to go but I can’t
My soul mate just might be around the corner
Life goes on
Twenties, thirties
Constantly searching
My emotions are out of control
I keep making the same mistakes
I can’t change
Where is this love?
Does it really exist?
If it doesn’t, how can I?
Then…I give up
This life within will never change
I am so lost and empty
I want to go
I try
But I fail
I was left with one thing
Searching
There has to be something more
As I cried out, I found a second chance
To believe in myself and to not give up
That I can commit to recovery
That finally, I understand my hope
I am not in my room anymore
I am stronger
I say to my inner child, “I love you”
“I love you too”, she replies
We look at each other and smile
And hold each other tightly
And everyday now, I say to her, “Forgive me”
Artwork, Photo and Poem Credit: Chantal C.
Chantal C. can be found expressing her artistic talents and insights at http://mentalillnessandchristianfaith.blogspot.ca/.
Earla Dunbar
Jul 16, 2012 @ 12:40:27
You give others hope – so glad you have found your way.
Chantal
Jul 16, 2012 @ 17:12:17
I do wish for others to find hope on their recovery journey. I am happy and grateful that I have found my way. Even though I still face many challenges and setbacks, knowing deep down what direction to take that will sustain me is what helps me to keep going. This is not only from a clinical perspective but also a spiritual one. Thanks Earla for sharing your kindness and support.
Cathleen Spacil
Jul 19, 2012 @ 21:56:23
Chantal, your story is amazing! We have a lot in common! I was a superhero a few months back… I LOVE your artwork and your photography! Hugs to you!
Rachel Miller
Jul 20, 2012 @ 10:30:18
Chantal, the last verse of your poem really resonates with me. I am currently at a place where I am trying to forgive myself and love myself. I’ve been doing some inner child work and I think it can be really powerful.
We’re never prepared for a life of unstable emotions, rages, suicidal feelings and dysfunctional relationships. We just have to muddle through. But it is so good to know there are others out there, like you, to share our experiences. Makes the journey a bit less lonely.
Thank you for sharing.
Chantal
Jul 20, 2012 @ 13:03:42
Hi Cathleen, thank you for your supportive comment. I am happy to hear you have enjoyed reading my story. Being a Superhero on MHT is pretty amazing! I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity and the guts…lol…to finally start sharing some of my past and present situations concerning mental illness. I do look forward in writing more on my blog about how I am presently overcoming BPD symptoms through my faith, artwork and of course therapy
All of this is quite new to me. I am excited and nervous! However, now that I have started…I am not going to give up. Thank you for enjoying the art and photography.
I have looked at your website “Brain Be Happy”. So positive! Amazing what you are doing for others! I will definitely be in touch
Chantal
Jul 20, 2012 @ 13:59:02
Rachel, I am touched that the last verse of my poem resonates with you. It has been very difficult for me to forgive myself through all these years and to this very day. I am comforted that I have found my way of loving my inner child so much. She is the part of me, within, that I love unconditionally, like my daughters. There are times during a day, moments where I can not even grasp the meaning of forgiving myself, even though I know very well how to forgive others, and do know I am forgiven through my Faith. The extremes in thoughts and emotions that I experience with BPD hit so hard sometimes, nothing seems clear to me, just the inner turmoil. But then I remember, I meditate and smile at her, hold her dearly (and by this time, I have a huge smile on my face), and ask her to please forgive me. She always smiles and looks at me and says yes and keeps holding me. It is interesting how a person visions their own connection with part of their inner-self. She helps me…it is a slow process in loving myself, but it is happening.
I connect so very well with most of what you commented above…unstable thoughts, emotions, behaviour, anger, suicidal idealizations and dysfunctional relationships. I do seem to get myself through it, but only do so with support from those dear to me in my life. We can’t do it by ourselves. I am so happy and feel “not so alone” right now, because yes you are right…sharing our experiences does make the journey a bit less lonely. Thank you so much for sharing yours: I have subscribed by email to your blog and am sure to be inspired. Thank you for your kindness.
Walter H.
Jul 25, 2012 @ 10:55:12
Great work Chantal. Stay hopeful and don’t give up. Take care.
Christian
Nov 17, 2012 @ 06:28:53
I’m glad I found your blog. My X suffers svereely from BPD, bipolar disorder and her global assesment of functioning is a 30, which I believe was inflated so they could boot her out of the hospital. She refuses to get help, believing that the whole rest of the world is crazy. I think that you may provide me with some insight from the borderline’s perspective. Thanks so much for sharing and I wish you the best of luck!
Chantal
Mar 18, 2013 @ 17:51:41
Hi Christian,
Sorry I have not responded to your comment sooner. I am happy to know that my post/blog has provided you with some insight. BPD is a very messy emotional disorder and many suffer its consequences. Not only does the individual struggle, but also their families and friends. I am fortunate to be on medication, to have therapy and to be in recovery. Continue to educate yourself about BPD as it will help you to gain more understanding as to why things happen the way they do, but will also help you to be of support and comfort to her. Blessings to you and your X. Take care.
Chantal
Jul 26, 2012 @ 09:46:48
Hey Walter, Thank you for reading the post and encouragement…means a lot!
Chantal
Jul 28, 2012 @ 22:59:03
Hi Trish, Thank you for the opportunity you have given me to voice my experience. You have been supportive and kind and am grateful. You and Mental Health Talk are amazing!
Trish
Jul 29, 2012 @ 09:35:04
I am touched you would leave a comment with such kind words Chantal. It was truly an honour to work with you and to participate in a small way in your healing journey. I will be in touch this week to do the follow up I do with some of my guests–I thought you would appreciate the closure. Much love to you, Trish
Nicola
Oct 19, 2012 @ 16:51:41
Chantal,
Hello. I just want to let you know your story is similiar to mine. I am in a constant state of hoplessness and helplessness. However, after stumbling across your story it gives me some hope. So thank you for putting your story out there. Nikki
Chantal
Oct 27, 2012 @ 17:49:48
Hi Nikki,
Thank you for sharing. It touches me deeply that my story has given you some hope. It’s good to get feedback from others who live in similar ways and so important that we encourage one another. In our “hopelessness and helplessness” that so many of us go through, we can try to remember that during the turmoil of it all, we are not alone. There is support out there. On your journey, you will find your hope. It will be new and special to you. Keep searching and never give up.
Your comment is of great timing. I needed to be reminded of a few things…that my strength within me may lay low for a while, but no matter what life throws at me and how confusing it can be, I must continue to overcome my sorrows and pursue my journey of healing. You have given me some hope too. What a great chain reaction hope can be! Again, thank you and all the best.
Ellen
Mar 13, 2013 @ 20:31:24
chantal – how old are you? and how long have you been conscious of the fact that you have a disorder and how long have you been getting help?
Chantal
Mar 18, 2013 @ 17:13:41
Hi Ellen,
I am forty four. I was officially diagnosed with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and possible Bipolar 2, in the Fall of 2011 (in a psychiatric facility). However, six months ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 as well, by another psychiatrist in a health clinic I attend. In this clinic I also see a therapist every 2 weeks and have been for a year now. I have not missed an appointment which I view as a success for me because in my past I could never commit to any therapy or counseling. With this therapist I work on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy specifically for BPD. I have not worked for five years now. At the beginning of those years, I use to see my medical doctor every few weeks but now, since I have other professional support (therapist and psychiatrist) I see him every second month or so. Five years ago I had a major depressive breakdown and have been in recovery since.
I have been conscious that I have mental illness since my early twenties. I have been on medication since. Back then, my illness was not specifically diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder but more so as Clinical Depression. I was put on a happy pill and life was not so bad for awhile, till the symptoms of BPD continuously progressed.
During this past year and a half, while doing my therapy I have gained much understanding into the illness of BPD and suffer 5 out of the 9 symptoms. However, according to the psychiatrist, it would make sense that I have Bipolar 1 and because this is such a broad illness, the BPD falls into it. Medically I am being treated for Bipolar 1, therapeutically I am being treated for BPD, which I am positive I do suffer from. Sadly.
Hope this information helps. Take care
Hannah West
Mar 18, 2013 @ 13:35:52
I am thankful for blogs like this! I have been dealing with depression on and off since I was 16. I started looking into BPD when I heard about it because the symptoms of being alone and abandonment are VERY strong with me. As long as I stay busy with school and friends I can handle my feelings pretty well, but as soon as I get a day off and I am alone at my apartment I start to freak out. I try not to talk about my problems because I feel like no one understands and that maybe if I ignore them enough they will go away. I am really scared sometimes its almost like I am living with a demon; I do not know what to do with my endless aching and pain.
Chantal
Mar 18, 2013 @ 16:13:25
Hi Hannah,
Mental Health Talk is an awesome website that gave me the opportunity to write this post. I am glad that you are appreciative. I am too.
My depression, as you read in the post, started during my teen years as well, therefore I can empathize with your pain. I also understand the symptom of fear or sense of abandonment from BPD. It’s very difficult to live through, that deep emptiness and does seem to often be worse when we are alone.
In my opinion though, it’s important to open up and talk about these symptoms you are having. Hopefully you can find a good support network and share this pain you are going through. For me, this helped. Maybe people won’t fully understand exactly what you are experiencing concerning your specific inner struggles of BPD, but at least they can try to listen. The important thing is to share with someone you can trust and is willing to simply be there for you…so you won’t feel alone and can find a bit of comfort for your pain. There are good peer supporters and therapies out there. If you are searching for help, don’t give up. Keep searching till you find the right person, friend, counselor, support network in your area. I do understand your endless aching pain as I still experience it myself to this day. My heart goes out to you. Please find help and don’t give up. If you want to read more of my posts, check out my blog: “My Mental Illness and Christian Faith”…it’s harmless and who knows, it might be of some kind of support for you. Take care.
Tobi
Apr 14, 2013 @ 20:38:34
My children recently diagnosed me with BPD (about 2 years ago) and I spent the past 2 years arguing with them about it. I finally am resigned to agree with them, and am now looking for literature to help me fix it. I do not have health insurance, so seeing a counselor is not an option, but neither is suicide. I appreciate your website, as it helps me to see that you can be a normal person and still have BPD. Now that I at least know what the problem is, I am on a quest to find self-help answers to it.
Chantal
Apr 15, 2013 @ 22:06:54
Hi Tobi,
I thank you for appreciating my post “Finding myself… overcoming borderline personality disorder” on Mental Health Talk’s website.
Accepting that you have BPD is the first step. This is good and very important. It is also part of the long process to insight, understanding and healing. I personally believe recovery is possible with time. Commitment is very important too.
I am glad to hear you are on a quest to find help. I have done some research on the internet but I must say, not all links give you proper information, and some can bring on triggers. I immediately stop reading or viewing research if I feel any triggers coming on. Sights from hospitals and organizations for mental health are usually good ones. Some suggestions…Have you tried the NIMH website? Also, a book that I have read that has personally helped me is “get me out of here” by Rachel Reiland, and “The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Personality Disorders”, by Jeffrey C. Wood is the therapy I am doing with my clinician.
Please know that I am not a professional of any kind and that these references are a few that have personally helped me along my journey in recovery.
Along your quest for knowledge, I hope that you find the support that you need and are looking for.
I wish all the best to you Tobi. Sounds like you are on a new journey to healing. Good for you. Don’t give up. Many blessings.
Jake
May 31, 2013 @ 04:33:53
Go, fight for it. God will never give us problems that we can’t bear. You are talented, a true son of art. Miracles will come to people, who despite their problems, are still there, reaching people and continue touching others’ lives. I am happy that you are strong battling this disease. Don’t give up. Life is beautiful.
Chantal
May 31, 2013 @ 14:26:02
Hi Jake,
You are right, we must fight the good fight and God does not give us trials we can not handle. Although the struggles are often unbearable, we somehow pull through them with the Lord’s blessings. I am so grateful to Him that He has given me the ability to share my recovery journey with others. Thank you for the encouragement, and yes, life is beautiful.